My sense of contentment continues, and I am glad.
But I'm a little afraid of it, seeing as how I have struggled so much this past year to attain it. I hate to admit to that - I feel that in saying it, I'm almost confessing that I believe the Lord is going to rob me of this comfort. I know that my ability to remain content actually lies in my having a realistic perception of this life - the fact that what I have been given is far better than what I deserve, and what I think I want is often not at all what I actually need - or truly desire. And I know that perspective comes with a certain amount of discipline of the mind and heart, a certain understanding of God. But there is a small part of me that still feels as though I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me. Shame on me.
That said, I feel extremely happy tonight. We had friends in town this past weekend - two of my college friends whom I haven't seen in over two years, and who have never met Husband. The visit went far better than I anticipated. Husband, who sometimes has to stretch himself to be sociable in new, uncomfortable situations, was wonderful, and from what I could tell, connected well with my dear folk. My friends have children (ages almost 2 and newly 4), and the chaos that they brought into the house was not only enjoyed but encouraged. I feel like I had a glimpse of what our home could be if the Lord gives us a family one day. I loved the energy, the mess. I loved watching Husband on his knee, slowly strumming his guitar and singing the song he wrote about Joshua's courage, while 4-Year-Old studied his face with delight and whispered the lyrics in unison. (Not only does it make me think I have perhaps married the most gentle, whimsical man on the planet; it makes me want to run to the bedroom to try making some of our own.)
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Contentment
Some great things happened this week.
1. Work was inordinately productive, which made me feel very capable. I like when work goes by quickly. (Today, that's not so much the case, but who's complaining?)
2. Husband took me out for brunch for my birthday. I ate an enormous, delicious apple pancake. We invited a few friends, and found out two of those friends are expecting their first baby. We're pretty excited about that.
3. I was visited by an old college friend. Conversation with her was good for my soul. We ate some homemade (by me) chocolate cheesecake, which was also good for my soul. It was the first time I had tried the recipe, and it was a success.
4. Husband had a show, and he did extremely well. It was an outdoor gig, and as he stood behind the microphone, he lit up. The band had a few technical difficulties in the first song, but after that glitch, everything was great. Aas I stood there and listened, I delighted in watching him delight in the gift that the Lord has given him. Praise God that he gets to use it. (If any readers want a link to his band, you'll have to leave a comment.)
5. I found my honeymoon underpants. While the gig may have been the best part of Husband's week, I'm sure my discovery ranks a close second. I know I'm pretty excited about it. I had worn a certain pair of undies on the first night of our honeymoon. By the time we returned home, they had disappeared. I was really embarrassed; I thought perhaps they had been left in the hotel room on the first night, and assumed some poor housekeeper had uncovered them. Although I searched for them several more times, I never found them. Just a few weeks ago, I gave up the fight and declared them officially lost. (It's been well over a year now.) But yesterday afternoon after church, I was pulling our sheets out of the washer, and crumpled down in the bottom corner was a little wad of lace. Honeymoon undies! Yay!
I have no idea how they got there. My thought is that they must have made it unseen into the dirty laundry suitcase, and when we got home and everything was thrown in the wash, they disappeared. Then somehow, they must have static-clinged themselves into a corner of a fitted sheet, and in the past year and a half of washings, I never noticed. I swear I haven't seen or worn them since that first night.
Fun times. God is good.
1. Work was inordinately productive, which made me feel very capable. I like when work goes by quickly. (Today, that's not so much the case, but who's complaining?)
2. Husband took me out for brunch for my birthday. I ate an enormous, delicious apple pancake. We invited a few friends, and found out two of those friends are expecting their first baby. We're pretty excited about that.
3. I was visited by an old college friend. Conversation with her was good for my soul. We ate some homemade (by me) chocolate cheesecake, which was also good for my soul. It was the first time I had tried the recipe, and it was a success.
4. Husband had a show, and he did extremely well. It was an outdoor gig, and as he stood behind the microphone, he lit up. The band had a few technical difficulties in the first song, but after that glitch, everything was great. Aas I stood there and listened, I delighted in watching him delight in the gift that the Lord has given him. Praise God that he gets to use it. (If any readers want a link to his band, you'll have to leave a comment.)
5. I found my honeymoon underpants. While the gig may have been the best part of Husband's week, I'm sure my discovery ranks a close second. I know I'm pretty excited about it. I had worn a certain pair of undies on the first night of our honeymoon. By the time we returned home, they had disappeared. I was really embarrassed; I thought perhaps they had been left in the hotel room on the first night, and assumed some poor housekeeper had uncovered them. Although I searched for them several more times, I never found them. Just a few weeks ago, I gave up the fight and declared them officially lost. (It's been well over a year now.) But yesterday afternoon after church, I was pulling our sheets out of the washer, and crumpled down in the bottom corner was a little wad of lace. Honeymoon undies! Yay!
I have no idea how they got there. My thought is that they must have made it unseen into the dirty laundry suitcase, and when we got home and everything was thrown in the wash, they disappeared. Then somehow, they must have static-clinged themselves into a corner of a fitted sheet, and in the past year and a half of washings, I never noticed. I swear I haven't seen or worn them since that first night.
Fun times. God is good.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Post Script
Tonight was not the greatest night. Husband is at rehearsal, which is good and is needed, but often leaves me feeling very lonely. I almost started a fire in the kitchen because I accidentally left a grill pan on top of a lit burner. (Praise God I left the kitchen light on and had to go back to turn it off, or I might have burned the house down.) On top of that I was hit recently with a string of sicknesses (first diagnosis being that my swallowing problem and sore throat is actually acid reflux, second being bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection) which means all I do is swallow pills. Finally, when I ran to the grocery store tonight (what a fun way to pass a Friday), two African American guys watched me walk out of the store and then hovered as I put my groceries away, cat-calling until I got in the car and locked the door. All of which means I go to bed tonight scared and frustrated.
Update
Work at NPO is going well, and at the same time it's not.
I like a lot about my new job. I like the orderliness of office work. I like networking, being asked to think of new ideas and make a plan for something that currently has no structure. I like implementing that plan. I like making a to-do list and checking off each item as it's accomplished. I like discussing ideas with my coworkers, and I love the girls with whom I share an office. They are both around my age. My supervisor, who I will call Director, is a hilarious woman who is as passionate about food as I am. She loves to eat. She loves to think about eating. And she laughs. Loud and hard and suddenly, and it's wonderful. When Director lets loose, you hear her on the other side of the office. The other girl, whom I will call Roomie (she shares an office with me), is younger, a bit more idealistic, full of big ideas and passion. And she is brilliant at her job. She's good at inspiring others, she's good at creating materials for NPO. It's so nice to spend the day with them.
My coworkers have no idea how low key their lives are. I'd never tell them. The work that NPO does is extremely important, but in all honesty, the number of people it serves, at least over the summer, is remarkably low. (I am almost positive it will double or triple during the school year, but even then I doubt I will admit that it's "crazy" in the office.) It's nothing like the public school system. No matter how busy these people are, it will never reach that caliber.
It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that I had passed a day in almost complete boredom. I struggled to find a way to pass the time. I managed (thanks to research as the fall back activity), but spent the day fighting the temptation to get online and blog. When I was bored at school, it was never a boredom of inactivity. It was always a boredom borne of routine.
Anyway. So that's some of the good. (Yes, right now, the inactivty-boredom is nice.)
On Tuesday though, there was some bad. I was called into Boss's office. (I think my boss sounds like Joan Cusack, but I haven't told anyone that yet.) I have a hard time reading her communication style. And on Tuesday I was called in to be reprimanded. It's barely two months and already I was receiving a rebuke. The reprimand was short, and sweet. I apologized. I'd give more details, but I'd like to keep anonymity, so I can't. Suffice it to say that after that meeting, I felt humiliated. Deflated. At a moment when I felt comfortable to be myself, Boss took offense. I truly am sorry I transgressed in her opinion, but... It makes me wonder how well I really fit in at NPO. If my normal self caused controversy, what can I do to prevent it in the future? How do I not act like myself?
I guess I'm still upset about it.
I like a lot about my new job. I like the orderliness of office work. I like networking, being asked to think of new ideas and make a plan for something that currently has no structure. I like implementing that plan. I like making a to-do list and checking off each item as it's accomplished. I like discussing ideas with my coworkers, and I love the girls with whom I share an office. They are both around my age. My supervisor, who I will call Director, is a hilarious woman who is as passionate about food as I am. She loves to eat. She loves to think about eating. And she laughs. Loud and hard and suddenly, and it's wonderful. When Director lets loose, you hear her on the other side of the office. The other girl, whom I will call Roomie (she shares an office with me), is younger, a bit more idealistic, full of big ideas and passion. And she is brilliant at her job. She's good at inspiring others, she's good at creating materials for NPO. It's so nice to spend the day with them.
My coworkers have no idea how low key their lives are. I'd never tell them. The work that NPO does is extremely important, but in all honesty, the number of people it serves, at least over the summer, is remarkably low. (I am almost positive it will double or triple during the school year, but even then I doubt I will admit that it's "crazy" in the office.) It's nothing like the public school system. No matter how busy these people are, it will never reach that caliber.
It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that I had passed a day in almost complete boredom. I struggled to find a way to pass the time. I managed (thanks to research as the fall back activity), but spent the day fighting the temptation to get online and blog. When I was bored at school, it was never a boredom of inactivity. It was always a boredom borne of routine.
Anyway. So that's some of the good. (Yes, right now, the inactivty-boredom is nice.)
On Tuesday though, there was some bad. I was called into Boss's office. (I think my boss sounds like Joan Cusack, but I haven't told anyone that yet.) I have a hard time reading her communication style. And on Tuesday I was called in to be reprimanded. It's barely two months and already I was receiving a rebuke. The reprimand was short, and sweet. I apologized. I'd give more details, but I'd like to keep anonymity, so I can't. Suffice it to say that after that meeting, I felt humiliated. Deflated. At a moment when I felt comfortable to be myself, Boss took offense. I truly am sorry I transgressed in her opinion, but... It makes me wonder how well I really fit in at NPO. If my normal self caused controversy, what can I do to prevent it in the future? How do I not act like myself?
I guess I'm still upset about it.
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