My sense of contentment continues, and I am glad.
But I'm a little afraid of it, seeing as how I have struggled so much this past year to attain it. I hate to admit to that - I feel that in saying it, I'm almost confessing that I believe the Lord is going to rob me of this comfort. I know that my ability to remain content actually lies in my having a realistic perception of this life - the fact that what I have been given is far better than what I deserve, and what I think I want is often not at all what I actually need - or truly desire. And I know that perspective comes with a certain amount of discipline of the mind and heart, a certain understanding of God. But there is a small part of me that still feels as though I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me. Shame on me.
That said, I feel extremely happy tonight. We had friends in town this past weekend - two of my college friends whom I haven't seen in over two years, and who have never met Husband. The visit went far better than I anticipated. Husband, who sometimes has to stretch himself to be sociable in new, uncomfortable situations, was wonderful, and from what I could tell, connected well with my dear folk. My friends have children (ages almost 2 and newly 4), and the chaos that they brought into the house was not only enjoyed but encouraged. I feel like I had a glimpse of what our home could be if the Lord gives us a family one day. I loved the energy, the mess. I loved watching Husband on his knee, slowly strumming his guitar and singing the song he wrote about Joshua's courage, while 4-Year-Old studied his face with delight and whispered the lyrics in unison. (Not only does it make me think I have perhaps married the most gentle, whimsical man on the planet; it makes me want to run to the bedroom to try making some of our own.)
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Contentment
Some great things happened this week.
1. Work was inordinately productive, which made me feel very capable. I like when work goes by quickly. (Today, that's not so much the case, but who's complaining?)
2. Husband took me out for brunch for my birthday. I ate an enormous, delicious apple pancake. We invited a few friends, and found out two of those friends are expecting their first baby. We're pretty excited about that.
3. I was visited by an old college friend. Conversation with her was good for my soul. We ate some homemade (by me) chocolate cheesecake, which was also good for my soul. It was the first time I had tried the recipe, and it was a success.
4. Husband had a show, and he did extremely well. It was an outdoor gig, and as he stood behind the microphone, he lit up. The band had a few technical difficulties in the first song, but after that glitch, everything was great. Aas I stood there and listened, I delighted in watching him delight in the gift that the Lord has given him. Praise God that he gets to use it. (If any readers want a link to his band, you'll have to leave a comment.)
5. I found my honeymoon underpants. While the gig may have been the best part of Husband's week, I'm sure my discovery ranks a close second. I know I'm pretty excited about it. I had worn a certain pair of undies on the first night of our honeymoon. By the time we returned home, they had disappeared. I was really embarrassed; I thought perhaps they had been left in the hotel room on the first night, and assumed some poor housekeeper had uncovered them. Although I searched for them several more times, I never found them. Just a few weeks ago, I gave up the fight and declared them officially lost. (It's been well over a year now.) But yesterday afternoon after church, I was pulling our sheets out of the washer, and crumpled down in the bottom corner was a little wad of lace. Honeymoon undies! Yay!
I have no idea how they got there. My thought is that they must have made it unseen into the dirty laundry suitcase, and when we got home and everything was thrown in the wash, they disappeared. Then somehow, they must have static-clinged themselves into a corner of a fitted sheet, and in the past year and a half of washings, I never noticed. I swear I haven't seen or worn them since that first night.
Fun times. God is good.
1. Work was inordinately productive, which made me feel very capable. I like when work goes by quickly. (Today, that's not so much the case, but who's complaining?)
2. Husband took me out for brunch for my birthday. I ate an enormous, delicious apple pancake. We invited a few friends, and found out two of those friends are expecting their first baby. We're pretty excited about that.
3. I was visited by an old college friend. Conversation with her was good for my soul. We ate some homemade (by me) chocolate cheesecake, which was also good for my soul. It was the first time I had tried the recipe, and it was a success.
4. Husband had a show, and he did extremely well. It was an outdoor gig, and as he stood behind the microphone, he lit up. The band had a few technical difficulties in the first song, but after that glitch, everything was great. Aas I stood there and listened, I delighted in watching him delight in the gift that the Lord has given him. Praise God that he gets to use it. (If any readers want a link to his band, you'll have to leave a comment.)
5. I found my honeymoon underpants. While the gig may have been the best part of Husband's week, I'm sure my discovery ranks a close second. I know I'm pretty excited about it. I had worn a certain pair of undies on the first night of our honeymoon. By the time we returned home, they had disappeared. I was really embarrassed; I thought perhaps they had been left in the hotel room on the first night, and assumed some poor housekeeper had uncovered them. Although I searched for them several more times, I never found them. Just a few weeks ago, I gave up the fight and declared them officially lost. (It's been well over a year now.) But yesterday afternoon after church, I was pulling our sheets out of the washer, and crumpled down in the bottom corner was a little wad of lace. Honeymoon undies! Yay!
I have no idea how they got there. My thought is that they must have made it unseen into the dirty laundry suitcase, and when we got home and everything was thrown in the wash, they disappeared. Then somehow, they must have static-clinged themselves into a corner of a fitted sheet, and in the past year and a half of washings, I never noticed. I swear I haven't seen or worn them since that first night.
Fun times. God is good.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Post Script
Tonight was not the greatest night. Husband is at rehearsal, which is good and is needed, but often leaves me feeling very lonely. I almost started a fire in the kitchen because I accidentally left a grill pan on top of a lit burner. (Praise God I left the kitchen light on and had to go back to turn it off, or I might have burned the house down.) On top of that I was hit recently with a string of sicknesses (first diagnosis being that my swallowing problem and sore throat is actually acid reflux, second being bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection) which means all I do is swallow pills. Finally, when I ran to the grocery store tonight (what a fun way to pass a Friday), two African American guys watched me walk out of the store and then hovered as I put my groceries away, cat-calling until I got in the car and locked the door. All of which means I go to bed tonight scared and frustrated.
Update
Work at NPO is going well, and at the same time it's not.
I like a lot about my new job. I like the orderliness of office work. I like networking, being asked to think of new ideas and make a plan for something that currently has no structure. I like implementing that plan. I like making a to-do list and checking off each item as it's accomplished. I like discussing ideas with my coworkers, and I love the girls with whom I share an office. They are both around my age. My supervisor, who I will call Director, is a hilarious woman who is as passionate about food as I am. She loves to eat. She loves to think about eating. And she laughs. Loud and hard and suddenly, and it's wonderful. When Director lets loose, you hear her on the other side of the office. The other girl, whom I will call Roomie (she shares an office with me), is younger, a bit more idealistic, full of big ideas and passion. And she is brilliant at her job. She's good at inspiring others, she's good at creating materials for NPO. It's so nice to spend the day with them.
My coworkers have no idea how low key their lives are. I'd never tell them. The work that NPO does is extremely important, but in all honesty, the number of people it serves, at least over the summer, is remarkably low. (I am almost positive it will double or triple during the school year, but even then I doubt I will admit that it's "crazy" in the office.) It's nothing like the public school system. No matter how busy these people are, it will never reach that caliber.
It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that I had passed a day in almost complete boredom. I struggled to find a way to pass the time. I managed (thanks to research as the fall back activity), but spent the day fighting the temptation to get online and blog. When I was bored at school, it was never a boredom of inactivity. It was always a boredom borne of routine.
Anyway. So that's some of the good. (Yes, right now, the inactivty-boredom is nice.)
On Tuesday though, there was some bad. I was called into Boss's office. (I think my boss sounds like Joan Cusack, but I haven't told anyone that yet.) I have a hard time reading her communication style. And on Tuesday I was called in to be reprimanded. It's barely two months and already I was receiving a rebuke. The reprimand was short, and sweet. I apologized. I'd give more details, but I'd like to keep anonymity, so I can't. Suffice it to say that after that meeting, I felt humiliated. Deflated. At a moment when I felt comfortable to be myself, Boss took offense. I truly am sorry I transgressed in her opinion, but... It makes me wonder how well I really fit in at NPO. If my normal self caused controversy, what can I do to prevent it in the future? How do I not act like myself?
I guess I'm still upset about it.
I like a lot about my new job. I like the orderliness of office work. I like networking, being asked to think of new ideas and make a plan for something that currently has no structure. I like implementing that plan. I like making a to-do list and checking off each item as it's accomplished. I like discussing ideas with my coworkers, and I love the girls with whom I share an office. They are both around my age. My supervisor, who I will call Director, is a hilarious woman who is as passionate about food as I am. She loves to eat. She loves to think about eating. And she laughs. Loud and hard and suddenly, and it's wonderful. When Director lets loose, you hear her on the other side of the office. The other girl, whom I will call Roomie (she shares an office with me), is younger, a bit more idealistic, full of big ideas and passion. And she is brilliant at her job. She's good at inspiring others, she's good at creating materials for NPO. It's so nice to spend the day with them.
My coworkers have no idea how low key their lives are. I'd never tell them. The work that NPO does is extremely important, but in all honesty, the number of people it serves, at least over the summer, is remarkably low. (I am almost positive it will double or triple during the school year, but even then I doubt I will admit that it's "crazy" in the office.) It's nothing like the public school system. No matter how busy these people are, it will never reach that caliber.
It occurred to me today as I was driving home from work that I had passed a day in almost complete boredom. I struggled to find a way to pass the time. I managed (thanks to research as the fall back activity), but spent the day fighting the temptation to get online and blog. When I was bored at school, it was never a boredom of inactivity. It was always a boredom borne of routine.
Anyway. So that's some of the good. (Yes, right now, the inactivty-boredom is nice.)
On Tuesday though, there was some bad. I was called into Boss's office. (I think my boss sounds like Joan Cusack, but I haven't told anyone that yet.) I have a hard time reading her communication style. And on Tuesday I was called in to be reprimanded. It's barely two months and already I was receiving a rebuke. The reprimand was short, and sweet. I apologized. I'd give more details, but I'd like to keep anonymity, so I can't. Suffice it to say that after that meeting, I felt humiliated. Deflated. At a moment when I felt comfortable to be myself, Boss took offense. I truly am sorry I transgressed in her opinion, but... It makes me wonder how well I really fit in at NPO. If my normal self caused controversy, what can I do to prevent it in the future? How do I not act like myself?
I guess I'm still upset about it.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Apparently It Doesn't Pay to Be Thin
I have a confession - I used to like the show America's Next Top Model.
Oh, I knew it was horrible, and went against some of my convictions, but I was rather fascinated by it in an artistic way. I'm serious. I was amazed at how a photographer could take these skinny, scraggly looking, 18-20 year old college girls, and turn them into red-blood-statues of modern art and pop culture. Yes, sometimes the shots ended up being too sexy and sort of rubbed at my conscience ("Look at what this show teaches young girls about their body image!") But still, I was fascinated.
I say "used to like" now, but I would have confessed that I liked Top Model (as in, in the present tense) had I not watched tonight's episode. (Which, now that I think about it, is probably a rerun from an old season. No matter. My point holds.)
Husband and I only have five TV stations - eleven, I guess, if you count the Spanish speaking channels (which I do sometimes watch). So there's not much option for me on a night when I want to veg out. Tonight, I chose channel 9. I knew what I was getting.
I only caught the last twenty minutes. The girls (there were 8 of them at the start of the show), were modeling for an Enrique Iglesias music video. Super sexy, super stylized... rather disturbing. All were dressed in scanty leather-like costumes resembling bathing suits that had been put through a shredder. Some wore chains or some other industrial looking jewelery. And then they were filmed climbing all over Sr. Iglesias.
That annoyed me. But I kept watching, because, like I said, I honestly like seeing the final product. It is amazing what cameras do. And, true to expectations, the final cuts were stunning. I'm not approving of what I saw, just admitting incredulity.
What caused the change for me tonight was who was cut. One girl (I've forgotten her name already, poor thing) came onto the show as a potential plus-size model. In real life, this 5'10" girl is probably a size 8. It amazed me how slender she looked, considering the title they pinned on her. Until Tyra and all the other weird judges mentioned her being a plus size model, I had been looking at her as just a normal, pretty, thin girl. (The other girls on the show, incidentally, look skeletal next to her.)
Anyway - the point? She started to lose weight over the course of the show, and they cut her. What? I don't get it.
Last week, they told the girls that if they made it big time they would have to lose weight (But of course, never to compromise their health. Is that even possible at this stage in the game?). So perhaps this poor girl started to try - or perhaps she was just shedding weight from stress, like she said - and they kick her off, because she no longer fits into the description of a plus-size or a regular model.
How dare they.
Oh, I knew it was horrible, and went against some of my convictions, but I was rather fascinated by it in an artistic way. I'm serious. I was amazed at how a photographer could take these skinny, scraggly looking, 18-20 year old college girls, and turn them into red-blood-statues of modern art and pop culture. Yes, sometimes the shots ended up being too sexy and sort of rubbed at my conscience ("Look at what this show teaches young girls about their body image!") But still, I was fascinated.
I say "used to like" now, but I would have confessed that I liked Top Model (as in, in the present tense) had I not watched tonight's episode. (Which, now that I think about it, is probably a rerun from an old season. No matter. My point holds.)
Husband and I only have five TV stations - eleven, I guess, if you count the Spanish speaking channels (which I do sometimes watch). So there's not much option for me on a night when I want to veg out. Tonight, I chose channel 9. I knew what I was getting.
I only caught the last twenty minutes. The girls (there were 8 of them at the start of the show), were modeling for an Enrique Iglesias music video. Super sexy, super stylized... rather disturbing. All were dressed in scanty leather-like costumes resembling bathing suits that had been put through a shredder. Some wore chains or some other industrial looking jewelery. And then they were filmed climbing all over Sr. Iglesias.
That annoyed me. But I kept watching, because, like I said, I honestly like seeing the final product. It is amazing what cameras do. And, true to expectations, the final cuts were stunning. I'm not approving of what I saw, just admitting incredulity.
What caused the change for me tonight was who was cut. One girl (I've forgotten her name already, poor thing) came onto the show as a potential plus-size model. In real life, this 5'10" girl is probably a size 8. It amazed me how slender she looked, considering the title they pinned on her. Until Tyra and all the other weird judges mentioned her being a plus size model, I had been looking at her as just a normal, pretty, thin girl. (The other girls on the show, incidentally, look skeletal next to her.)
Anyway - the point? She started to lose weight over the course of the show, and they cut her. What? I don't get it.
Last week, they told the girls that if they made it big time they would have to lose weight (But of course, never to compromise their health. Is that even possible at this stage in the game?). So perhaps this poor girl started to try - or perhaps she was just shedding weight from stress, like she said - and they kick her off, because she no longer fits into the description of a plus-size or a regular model.
How dare they.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The New Job
So I started work today at a non-profit organization. It's a Christian organization, one I highly respect. For confidentiality reasons, I can't say the name, so I'll just call it NPO. Rather boring, perhaps. If I think of a better pseudonym, I'll change it.
Anyway, before working at NPO, I worked in the public school system. I worked as a bilingual teacher for four years in a suburb of Chicago. For four years I hated my life. I'm not entirely sure what it was that drove me to madness. Sometimes, perhaps, it was the linguistic challenges I faced. I'm not Latina. I'm very guera. My Spanish is only so good. At times, my brain got so tired, I couldn't even think in English.
More so, though, I think I hated my life because it felt so unfocused. I never could keep track of all that I was supposed to. I couldn't teach 7 different lessons in a linear order every day and remember where I left off. I couldn't care about what they wanted me to care about. I didn't believe in No Child Left Behind. (Does anyone? Probably not. But the thing is, other teachers endorse it to keep their jobs. I wasn't that committed.) And, I found after four years that I had a really difficult time teaching with the idea that God had to be deleted from the fundamental world-view. We worked and worked to teach kids to be "good", with no other motivation than their own personal inner strength. And then we shook our heads, tut-tutted, and wondered what went wrong, when they failed and continued lying, stealing, and fighting, acting like little sinners.
So I searched and found NPO. They needed a bilingual educator to teach a program they bring to the public schools. They also needed someone to start a parent class. I'm a person who likes people. It wasn't exactly what I thought I'd been looking for, but I decided to let God show me whether or not it was something I ought to pursue. I knew I'd be working with other believers, people focused on sharing the gospel message by meeting a need in the world. People focused on glorifying God in whatever service they did. Maybe all the challenges would be outweighed by those two pluses.
I was excited. And then, with the passing of time, I was not. I was scared. I was scared of working with Christians, scared of my inabilities, scared of the change. God had seemed to lead me here, but what if I was wrong? (I do not actually believe God's will works that way, but I fall into that way of thinking quite often.)
Today was the first day. And it was easy - like the syllabus day on the first day of class at college. I met some people in the office. I read some training manuals. I prayed. I went to a meeting. I ate some cake.
I think the summer will be fairly simple and consistent. It will be a good chance for me to get acclimated. But the school year will be a bigger challenge.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. Right now I ought to go. My husband and I are packing our apartment, getting ready to move into our new house. And I have had a glass of wine and am rather sleepy.
Perhaps my next post will be clearer.
Anyway, before working at NPO, I worked in the public school system. I worked as a bilingual teacher for four years in a suburb of Chicago. For four years I hated my life. I'm not entirely sure what it was that drove me to madness. Sometimes, perhaps, it was the linguistic challenges I faced. I'm not Latina. I'm very guera. My Spanish is only so good. At times, my brain got so tired, I couldn't even think in English.
More so, though, I think I hated my life because it felt so unfocused. I never could keep track of all that I was supposed to. I couldn't teach 7 different lessons in a linear order every day and remember where I left off. I couldn't care about what they wanted me to care about. I didn't believe in No Child Left Behind. (Does anyone? Probably not. But the thing is, other teachers endorse it to keep their jobs. I wasn't that committed.) And, I found after four years that I had a really difficult time teaching with the idea that God had to be deleted from the fundamental world-view. We worked and worked to teach kids to be "good", with no other motivation than their own personal inner strength. And then we shook our heads, tut-tutted, and wondered what went wrong, when they failed and continued lying, stealing, and fighting, acting like little sinners.
So I searched and found NPO. They needed a bilingual educator to teach a program they bring to the public schools. They also needed someone to start a parent class. I'm a person who likes people. It wasn't exactly what I thought I'd been looking for, but I decided to let God show me whether or not it was something I ought to pursue. I knew I'd be working with other believers, people focused on sharing the gospel message by meeting a need in the world. People focused on glorifying God in whatever service they did. Maybe all the challenges would be outweighed by those two pluses.
I was excited. And then, with the passing of time, I was not. I was scared. I was scared of working with Christians, scared of my inabilities, scared of the change. God had seemed to lead me here, but what if I was wrong? (I do not actually believe God's will works that way, but I fall into that way of thinking quite often.)
Today was the first day. And it was easy - like the syllabus day on the first day of class at college. I met some people in the office. I read some training manuals. I prayed. I went to a meeting. I ate some cake.
I think the summer will be fairly simple and consistent. It will be a good chance for me to get acclimated. But the school year will be a bigger challenge.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. Right now I ought to go. My husband and I are packing our apartment, getting ready to move into our new house. And I have had a glass of wine and am rather sleepy.
Perhaps my next post will be clearer.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Last Tuesday
Last week I had my first pregnancy scare.
My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we got engaged we chose to go on the Pill. I believed there were pills out there that prevented ovulation without the risk of aborting a fertilized egg, and that sounded good to me. Neither one of us wanted to try condoms. We were both virgins, and so the thought of experiencing our wedding night with something rubber between us didn't appeal to either one of us.
Recently, though, I began experiencing migraines at the end of every cycle. So I began reading medical articles about what the Pill really does. I was shocked to find out what effects the Pill really has on your body, what it's really doing to prevent that egg from attaching to your body. Thinning uterine lining, slowing fallopian tubal contractions, thickening cervical fluid, diminishing hormones, and yes, preventing ovulation. I found out that if the Pill does not succeed in preventing ovulation (which it won't, if you are irregular about medicating yourself, or if you undergo any kind of stress or big transition, or if your body just decides to act of its own volition), there are tons of other factors attacking that little egg, keeping it from implanting healthily into your body. Maybe you are comfortable with that thought. I was not.
So, after more research and a lot of discussion, we decided to go off the Pill and start using another, non-hormonal form of birth control.
During this decision, we also bought our first house. Oh, and I am changing jobs. Tomorrow. Hello, stress.
So, anyway, towards the end of my cycle I started having some strange symptoms. Sex was painful one night, & I had cramps too early. I felt extremely nauseous and was getting sick, and I struggled against lethargy. Yes, it could have been the move, but I decided to go see my friendly gynecologist anyway. I thought I had another UTI. Incidentally, that was Tuesday, the last day of my Pill before I went off for good. I had spotted on Monday, and my period began that day. It usually starts on a Friday. Odd. All the more reason to go.
When I arrived at the doctor's office and began explaining my symptoms, I watched my doctor's eyes get wide. I thought I knew what that meant; wasn't sure how I felt about it. When I finished talking, my doctor said, "I think I'll run a pregnancy test on you. What you're describing sounds a lot like the beginning stages."
Excuse me?
Three minutes later, both of us staring at the little white stick, we discovered I was not, in fact, pregnant. I was relieved. We discussed antibiotics for the potential UTI, and I left. I called my dear husband from the car and explained all. And then I went to the grocery store and got some chicken for dinner.
The thing is, by the time I got home, I realized something. Although in a sense relieved, I was extremely disappointed. I would have liked to hear the words, "You're pregnant." I don't really think we're quite ready to start a family, but still.
And I wonder... is is possible I aborted a little tiny baby? My period lasted for 7 days. I'm still spotting today. I don't know enough, and my doctor didn't even mention the possibility. I know it's out there, though. It makes me sad.
My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we got engaged we chose to go on the Pill. I believed there were pills out there that prevented ovulation without the risk of aborting a fertilized egg, and that sounded good to me. Neither one of us wanted to try condoms. We were both virgins, and so the thought of experiencing our wedding night with something rubber between us didn't appeal to either one of us.
Recently, though, I began experiencing migraines at the end of every cycle. So I began reading medical articles about what the Pill really does. I was shocked to find out what effects the Pill really has on your body, what it's really doing to prevent that egg from attaching to your body. Thinning uterine lining, slowing fallopian tubal contractions, thickening cervical fluid, diminishing hormones, and yes, preventing ovulation. I found out that if the Pill does not succeed in preventing ovulation (which it won't, if you are irregular about medicating yourself, or if you undergo any kind of stress or big transition, or if your body just decides to act of its own volition), there are tons of other factors attacking that little egg, keeping it from implanting healthily into your body. Maybe you are comfortable with that thought. I was not.
So, after more research and a lot of discussion, we decided to go off the Pill and start using another, non-hormonal form of birth control.
During this decision, we also bought our first house. Oh, and I am changing jobs. Tomorrow. Hello, stress.
So, anyway, towards the end of my cycle I started having some strange symptoms. Sex was painful one night, & I had cramps too early. I felt extremely nauseous and was getting sick, and I struggled against lethargy. Yes, it could have been the move, but I decided to go see my friendly gynecologist anyway. I thought I had another UTI. Incidentally, that was Tuesday, the last day of my Pill before I went off for good. I had spotted on Monday, and my period began that day. It usually starts on a Friday. Odd. All the more reason to go.
When I arrived at the doctor's office and began explaining my symptoms, I watched my doctor's eyes get wide. I thought I knew what that meant; wasn't sure how I felt about it. When I finished talking, my doctor said, "I think I'll run a pregnancy test on you. What you're describing sounds a lot like the beginning stages."
Excuse me?
Three minutes later, both of us staring at the little white stick, we discovered I was not, in fact, pregnant. I was relieved. We discussed antibiotics for the potential UTI, and I left. I called my dear husband from the car and explained all. And then I went to the grocery store and got some chicken for dinner.
The thing is, by the time I got home, I realized something. Although in a sense relieved, I was extremely disappointed. I would have liked to hear the words, "You're pregnant." I don't really think we're quite ready to start a family, but still.
And I wonder... is is possible I aborted a little tiny baby? My period lasted for 7 days. I'm still spotting today. I don't know enough, and my doctor didn't even mention the possibility. I know it's out there, though. It makes me sad.
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