Once again, I've not written in a while. Now, however, I have a good excuse. Shortly after one of my few earlier posts, my husband and I found out I was pregnant. Now we have an eight month old daughter, who delights us daily. What can I say? Life changed, and when I look at my priorities for the day, I don't feel I have the freedom (time-wise) to share my thoughts here. They're there - they just aren't released.
But it's 10:15 PM, the baby is in bed, and my hubby is out playing a gig. I have some time to myself.
So this is my story today.
Today I set up a coffee "date" with my friend, A. I looked forward to it all day - I don't often get out of the house - especially not in the throes of winter - so the prospect of an hour of grown-up talk, even with Baby A in tow, was immensely appealing.
We only had an hour free - friend A is working on her PhD and is busy in her own right. So we covered a lot of ground in a short time. And towards the end of our conversation, A admitted that she and her husband had been trying for a year to get pregnant - and that most of the rest of our Bible Study friends already knew it.
Why hadn't she told me before now? (She admitted they were just about ready to give up for a while because the timing wouldn't be right after next month.) I don't know. But as I left the coffeeshop, I wondered. And then the questions came. What else don't I know about my friends? How good are my friends, really? Is anyone close enough to really confide in me? Do I even have a best friend?
I'm starting up a ministry for young moms in our church -and my motivation, genuinely, is to encourage moms in their calling and to connect them with one another. But I couldn't help it - the questions drifted in that direction. What if no one at church actually likes me? What if all the other moms just like connecting with each other and leave me out? What if I don't make any friends from this group?
Needless to say, I'm feeling a bit sad tonight.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I haven't written in a while - I haven't been paying attention to this blog. Maybe I felt like it wasn't worth it... I don't know. For whatever reason I abandoned The Other Stories for a while.
See, the thing is, I have another blog in which I report the mundane events of life. That blog is for my family. It's a difficult blog to keep, because I can't really write anything of true importance in it, for fear of offending someone. Well, that's not entirely true. I guess what I write is important to my family, but it's always written with a sense of the audience that will read it. So I bite my tongue. A lot.
I opened up this account today, just to take a look, and I realized... I need to be able to write my real thoughts down somewhere. Somewhere I know my mother-in-law (or my mother) will not be reading and critiquing the way I'm living my life, the way I'm working out my theology and relationship with Christ. So maybe I'll start writing again. I hope I have the time. I hope I have something to say.
See, the thing is, I have another blog in which I report the mundane events of life. That blog is for my family. It's a difficult blog to keep, because I can't really write anything of true importance in it, for fear of offending someone. Well, that's not entirely true. I guess what I write is important to my family, but it's always written with a sense of the audience that will read it. So I bite my tongue. A lot.
I opened up this account today, just to take a look, and I realized... I need to be able to write my real thoughts down somewhere. Somewhere I know my mother-in-law (or my mother) will not be reading and critiquing the way I'm living my life, the way I'm working out my theology and relationship with Christ. So maybe I'll start writing again. I hope I have the time. I hope I have something to say.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The Space Between is Where Contentment Lies
My sense of contentment continues, and I am glad.
But I'm a little afraid of it, seeing as how I have struggled so much this past year to attain it. I hate to admit to that - I feel that in saying it, I'm almost confessing that I believe the Lord is going to rob me of this comfort. I know that my ability to remain content actually lies in my having a realistic perception of this life - the fact that what I have been given is far better than what I deserve, and what I think I want is often not at all what I actually need - or truly desire. And I know that perspective comes with a certain amount of discipline of the mind and heart, a certain understanding of God. But there is a small part of me that still feels as though I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me. Shame on me.
That said, I feel extremely happy tonight. We had friends in town this past weekend - two of my college friends whom I haven't seen in over two years, and who have never met Husband. The visit went far better than I anticipated. Husband, who sometimes has to stretch himself to be sociable in new, uncomfortable situations, was wonderful, and from what I could tell, connected well with my dear folk. My friends have children (ages almost 2 and newly 4), and the chaos that they brought into the house was not only enjoyed but encouraged. I feel like I had a glimpse of what our home could be if the Lord gives us a family one day. I loved the energy, the mess. I loved watching Husband on his knee, slowly strumming his guitar and singing the song he wrote about Joshua's courage, while 4-Year-Old studied his face with delight and whispered the lyrics in unison. (Not only does it make me think I have perhaps married the most gentle, whimsical man on the planet; it makes me want to run to the bedroom to try making some of our own.)
But I'm a little afraid of it, seeing as how I have struggled so much this past year to attain it. I hate to admit to that - I feel that in saying it, I'm almost confessing that I believe the Lord is going to rob me of this comfort. I know that my ability to remain content actually lies in my having a realistic perception of this life - the fact that what I have been given is far better than what I deserve, and what I think I want is often not at all what I actually need - or truly desire. And I know that perspective comes with a certain amount of discipline of the mind and heart, a certain understanding of God. But there is a small part of me that still feels as though I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me. Shame on me.
That said, I feel extremely happy tonight. We had friends in town this past weekend - two of my college friends whom I haven't seen in over two years, and who have never met Husband. The visit went far better than I anticipated. Husband, who sometimes has to stretch himself to be sociable in new, uncomfortable situations, was wonderful, and from what I could tell, connected well with my dear folk. My friends have children (ages almost 2 and newly 4), and the chaos that they brought into the house was not only enjoyed but encouraged. I feel like I had a glimpse of what our home could be if the Lord gives us a family one day. I loved the energy, the mess. I loved watching Husband on his knee, slowly strumming his guitar and singing the song he wrote about Joshua's courage, while 4-Year-Old studied his face with delight and whispered the lyrics in unison. (Not only does it make me think I have perhaps married the most gentle, whimsical man on the planet; it makes me want to run to the bedroom to try making some of our own.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
