The Space Between is Where Contentment Lies

My sense of contentment continues, and I am glad.



But I'm a little afraid of it, seeing as how I have struggled so much this past year to attain it. I hate to admit to that - I feel that in saying it, I'm almost confessing that I believe the Lord is going to rob me of this comfort. I know that my ability to remain content actually lies in my having a realistic perception of this life - the fact that what I have been given is far better than what I deserve, and what I think I want is often not at all what I actually need - or truly desire. And I know that perspective comes with a certain amount of discipline of the mind and heart, a certain understanding of God. But there is a small part of me that still feels as though I am looking over my shoulder, waiting for the proverbial rug to be pulled out from under me. Shame on me.



That said, I feel extremely happy tonight. We had friends in town this past weekend - two of my college friends whom I haven't seen in over two years, and who have never met Husband. The visit went far better than I anticipated. Husband, who sometimes has to stretch himself to be sociable in new, uncomfortable situations, was wonderful, and from what I could tell, connected well with my dear folk. My friends have children (ages almost 2 and newly 4), and the chaos that they brought into the house was not only enjoyed but encouraged. I feel like I had a glimpse of what our home could be if the Lord gives us a family one day. I loved the energy, the mess. I loved watching Husband on his knee, slowly strumming his guitar and singing the song he wrote about Joshua's courage, while 4-Year-Old studied his face with delight and whispered the lyrics in unison. (Not only does it make me think I have perhaps married the most gentle, whimsical man on the planet; it makes me want to run to the bedroom to try making some of our own.)