So I started work today at a non-profit organization. It's a Christian organization, one I highly respect. For confidentiality reasons, I can't say the name, so I'll just call it NPO. Rather boring, perhaps. If I think of a better pseudonym, I'll change it.
Anyway, before working at NPO, I worked in the public school system. I worked as a bilingual teacher for four years in a suburb of Chicago. For four years I hated my life. I'm not entirely sure what it was that drove me to madness. Sometimes, perhaps, it was the linguistic challenges I faced. I'm not Latina. I'm very guera. My Spanish is only so good. At times, my brain got so tired, I couldn't even think in English.
More so, though, I think I hated my life because it felt so unfocused. I never could keep track of all that I was supposed to. I couldn't teach 7 different lessons in a linear order every day and remember where I left off. I couldn't care about what they wanted me to care about. I didn't believe in No Child Left Behind. (Does anyone? Probably not. But the thing is, other teachers endorse it to keep their jobs. I wasn't that committed.) And, I found after four years that I had a really difficult time teaching with the idea that God had to be deleted from the fundamental world-view. We worked and worked to teach kids to be "good", with no other motivation than their own personal inner strength. And then we shook our heads, tut-tutted, and wondered what went wrong, when they failed and continued lying, stealing, and fighting, acting like little sinners.
So I searched and found NPO. They needed a bilingual educator to teach a program they bring to the public schools. They also needed someone to start a parent class. I'm a person who likes people. It wasn't exactly what I thought I'd been looking for, but I decided to let God show me whether or not it was something I ought to pursue. I knew I'd be working with other believers, people focused on sharing the gospel message by meeting a need in the world. People focused on glorifying God in whatever service they did. Maybe all the challenges would be outweighed by those two pluses.
I was excited. And then, with the passing of time, I was not. I was scared. I was scared of working with Christians, scared of my inabilities, scared of the change. God had seemed to lead me here, but what if I was wrong? (I do not actually believe God's will works that way, but I fall into that way of thinking quite often.)
Today was the first day. And it was easy - like the syllabus day on the first day of class at college. I met some people in the office. I read some training manuals. I prayed. I went to a meeting. I ate some cake.
I think the summer will be fairly simple and consistent. It will be a good chance for me to get acclimated. But the school year will be a bigger challenge.
We'll see what tomorrow brings. Right now I ought to go. My husband and I are packing our apartment, getting ready to move into our new house. And I have had a glass of wine and am rather sleepy.
Perhaps my next post will be clearer.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Monday, June 9, 2008
Last Tuesday
Last week I had my first pregnancy scare.
My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we got engaged we chose to go on the Pill. I believed there were pills out there that prevented ovulation without the risk of aborting a fertilized egg, and that sounded good to me. Neither one of us wanted to try condoms. We were both virgins, and so the thought of experiencing our wedding night with something rubber between us didn't appeal to either one of us.
Recently, though, I began experiencing migraines at the end of every cycle. So I began reading medical articles about what the Pill really does. I was shocked to find out what effects the Pill really has on your body, what it's really doing to prevent that egg from attaching to your body. Thinning uterine lining, slowing fallopian tubal contractions, thickening cervical fluid, diminishing hormones, and yes, preventing ovulation. I found out that if the Pill does not succeed in preventing ovulation (which it won't, if you are irregular about medicating yourself, or if you undergo any kind of stress or big transition, or if your body just decides to act of its own volition), there are tons of other factors attacking that little egg, keeping it from implanting healthily into your body. Maybe you are comfortable with that thought. I was not.
So, after more research and a lot of discussion, we decided to go off the Pill and start using another, non-hormonal form of birth control.
During this decision, we also bought our first house. Oh, and I am changing jobs. Tomorrow. Hello, stress.
So, anyway, towards the end of my cycle I started having some strange symptoms. Sex was painful one night, & I had cramps too early. I felt extremely nauseous and was getting sick, and I struggled against lethargy. Yes, it could have been the move, but I decided to go see my friendly gynecologist anyway. I thought I had another UTI. Incidentally, that was Tuesday, the last day of my Pill before I went off for good. I had spotted on Monday, and my period began that day. It usually starts on a Friday. Odd. All the more reason to go.
When I arrived at the doctor's office and began explaining my symptoms, I watched my doctor's eyes get wide. I thought I knew what that meant; wasn't sure how I felt about it. When I finished talking, my doctor said, "I think I'll run a pregnancy test on you. What you're describing sounds a lot like the beginning stages."
Excuse me?
Three minutes later, both of us staring at the little white stick, we discovered I was not, in fact, pregnant. I was relieved. We discussed antibiotics for the potential UTI, and I left. I called my dear husband from the car and explained all. And then I went to the grocery store and got some chicken for dinner.
The thing is, by the time I got home, I realized something. Although in a sense relieved, I was extremely disappointed. I would have liked to hear the words, "You're pregnant." I don't really think we're quite ready to start a family, but still.
And I wonder... is is possible I aborted a little tiny baby? My period lasted for 7 days. I'm still spotting today. I don't know enough, and my doctor didn't even mention the possibility. I know it's out there, though. It makes me sad.
My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we got engaged we chose to go on the Pill. I believed there were pills out there that prevented ovulation without the risk of aborting a fertilized egg, and that sounded good to me. Neither one of us wanted to try condoms. We were both virgins, and so the thought of experiencing our wedding night with something rubber between us didn't appeal to either one of us.
Recently, though, I began experiencing migraines at the end of every cycle. So I began reading medical articles about what the Pill really does. I was shocked to find out what effects the Pill really has on your body, what it's really doing to prevent that egg from attaching to your body. Thinning uterine lining, slowing fallopian tubal contractions, thickening cervical fluid, diminishing hormones, and yes, preventing ovulation. I found out that if the Pill does not succeed in preventing ovulation (which it won't, if you are irregular about medicating yourself, or if you undergo any kind of stress or big transition, or if your body just decides to act of its own volition), there are tons of other factors attacking that little egg, keeping it from implanting healthily into your body. Maybe you are comfortable with that thought. I was not.
So, after more research and a lot of discussion, we decided to go off the Pill and start using another, non-hormonal form of birth control.
During this decision, we also bought our first house. Oh, and I am changing jobs. Tomorrow. Hello, stress.
So, anyway, towards the end of my cycle I started having some strange symptoms. Sex was painful one night, & I had cramps too early. I felt extremely nauseous and was getting sick, and I struggled against lethargy. Yes, it could have been the move, but I decided to go see my friendly gynecologist anyway. I thought I had another UTI. Incidentally, that was Tuesday, the last day of my Pill before I went off for good. I had spotted on Monday, and my period began that day. It usually starts on a Friday. Odd. All the more reason to go.
When I arrived at the doctor's office and began explaining my symptoms, I watched my doctor's eyes get wide. I thought I knew what that meant; wasn't sure how I felt about it. When I finished talking, my doctor said, "I think I'll run a pregnancy test on you. What you're describing sounds a lot like the beginning stages."
Excuse me?
Three minutes later, both of us staring at the little white stick, we discovered I was not, in fact, pregnant. I was relieved. We discussed antibiotics for the potential UTI, and I left. I called my dear husband from the car and explained all. And then I went to the grocery store and got some chicken for dinner.
The thing is, by the time I got home, I realized something. Although in a sense relieved, I was extremely disappointed. I would have liked to hear the words, "You're pregnant." I don't really think we're quite ready to start a family, but still.
And I wonder... is is possible I aborted a little tiny baby? My period lasted for 7 days. I'm still spotting today. I don't know enough, and my doctor didn't even mention the possibility. I know it's out there, though. It makes me sad.
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