Last Tuesday

Last week I had my first pregnancy scare.

My husband and I have been married for a year now. When we got engaged we chose to go on the Pill. I believed there were pills out there that prevented ovulation without the risk of aborting a fertilized egg, and that sounded good to me. Neither one of us wanted to try condoms. We were both virgins, and so the thought of experiencing our wedding night with something rubber between us didn't appeal to either one of us.

Recently, though, I began experiencing migraines at the end of every cycle. So I began reading medical articles about what the Pill really does. I was shocked to find out what effects the Pill really has on your body, what it's really doing to prevent that egg from attaching to your body. Thinning uterine lining, slowing fallopian tubal contractions, thickening cervical fluid, diminishing hormones, and yes, preventing ovulation. I found out that if the Pill does not succeed in preventing ovulation (which it won't, if you are irregular about medicating yourself, or if you undergo any kind of stress or big transition, or if your body just decides to act of its own volition), there are tons of other factors attacking that little egg, keeping it from implanting healthily into your body. Maybe you are comfortable with that thought. I was not.

So, after more research and a lot of discussion, we decided to go off the Pill and start using another, non-hormonal form of birth control.

During this decision, we also bought our first house. Oh, and I am changing jobs. Tomorrow. Hello, stress.

So, anyway, towards the end of my cycle I started having some strange symptoms. Sex was painful one night, & I had cramps too early. I felt extremely nauseous and was getting sick, and I struggled against lethargy. Yes, it could have been the move, but I decided to go see my friendly gynecologist anyway. I thought I had another UTI. Incidentally, that was Tuesday, the last day of my Pill before I went off for good. I had spotted on Monday, and my period began that day. It usually starts on a Friday. Odd. All the more reason to go.

When I arrived at the doctor's office and began explaining my symptoms, I watched my doctor's eyes get wide. I thought I knew what that meant; wasn't sure how I felt about it. When I finished talking, my doctor said, "I think I'll run a pregnancy test on you. What you're describing sounds a lot like the beginning stages."

Excuse me?

Three minutes later, both of us staring at the little white stick, we discovered I was not, in fact, pregnant. I was relieved. We discussed antibiotics for the potential UTI, and I left. I called my dear husband from the car and explained all. And then I went to the grocery store and got some chicken for dinner.

The thing is, by the time I got home, I realized something. Although in a sense relieved, I was extremely disappointed. I would have liked to hear the words, "You're pregnant." I don't really think we're quite ready to start a family, but still.

And I wonder... is is possible I aborted a little tiny baby? My period lasted for 7 days. I'm still spotting today. I don't know enough, and my doctor didn't even mention the possibility. I know it's out there, though. It makes me sad.